As I reflect upon the year 2018, a complex tapestry of emotions and memories unfurls before me. On one hand, it was a year marked by immense joy and significant milestones: the arrival of our first child, Gwen Emerson, in January, the beautiful strengthening of our family bonds, and remarkable growth for our company. Yet, beneath these outwardly positive developments, 2018 paradoxically stands out as the year I felt most profoundly adrift, a period where I truly lost my bearings. This profound realization is precisely why penning this retrospective has been so challenging; I’m still meticulously piecing together the true meaning of that transformative year, and I invite you to join me on this candid journey of reflection.
The birth of our daughter, Gwen, introduced an entirely new dimension to my existence, a force so much grander than myself that it compelled me to pause, step back, and meticulously re-evaluate my life from an entirely fresh perspective. Looking back, a year prior, I might have confidently asserted that my relentless work ethic, often stretching to eighty-hour weeks, stemmed purely from “passion” for my craft. The honest truth, however, was that a significant portion of that drive was fueled by a perceived need for more income, a financial target I then believed was essential for our burgeoning family. This drive, while seemingly productive, masked deeper personal truths.
I would have once portrayed my relationships within the blogging community as supportive, stimulating, and welcoming. I might have even embellished, claiming that such an intense work schedule posed no strain on my marriage or family life, simply because acknowledging the underlying struggles felt too vulnerable at the time. There was an almost addictive allure to being perpetually busy, a societal badge of honor that, in my mind, equated to undeniable success. That illusion, however, began to crack when Gwen arrived, our unexpected beacon, our very own version of a rainbow baby.
While our journey to parenthood wasn’t marked by the heartbreaking miscarriages many families endure before welcoming a “rainbow baby” into their lives, Gwen’s arrival unveiled a profound, unarticulated need within us. She became that vital missing piece, a hidden rainbow that heralded a year of necessary deconstruction, a period where aspects of our lives had to fall apart to eventually be rebuilt stronger and more authentically. The choice of the word “can” in that sentiment is deliberate, for I still feel we are actively navigating this reconstruction, still evolving toward that more integrated, improved state.
Attempting to articulate the complexities of my 2018 experience without misinterpretation feels challenging, yet it’s a necessary endeavor. Therefore, I will simply outline the key areas that carried the most weight, the pivotal shifts that reshaped my understanding of self, work, and relationships, guiding me through a period of intense introspection and, ultimately, profound growth. This reflection isn’t about perfection; it’s about the raw, unfiltered truth of a year that changed everything.
Parenthood: The Transformative Power of Gwen
The profound impact of parenthood, particularly on an entrepreneurial journey, was something I admittedly and honestly underestimated in countless ways. Since Gwen’s arrival, I’ve traversed an emotional landscape ranging from overwhelming love to profound inadequacy, from moments of sheer frustration to bursts of unadulterated euphoria—often simultaneously. It’s an intensity I never imagined possible. While a dedicated post about Baby G’s journey is in the works, suffice it to say, our lives irrevocably shifted the moment our family expanded from two to three. Gwen, despite grappling with colic and reflux, and emerging with an undeniable personality and hilarious facial expressions, managed to recalibrate my entire perspective on life without uttering a single word.
Suddenly, the intense work I had been driving myself into the ground for seemed questionable. Questions like “What am I truly working for?” and “Is all of this truly necessary?” began to surface with startling clarity. I found myself scrutinizing my friendships, wondering, “Would these individuals still be in my life if my online presence ceased to exist?” These fundamental inquiries, prompted by the overwhelming shift of new motherhood, laid the groundwork for a complete re-evaluation of my priorities and my understanding of success and personal fulfillment. Gwen became the catalyst for dismantling preconceived notions and embracing a more authentic, perhaps less defined, path forward.
Work Reimagined: Beyond the Glamour of the Screen
For years, a significant dream of mine has been to create something tangible from Sugar & Cloth, an actual product that could be held and experienced. When you operate an online business, the reality of it often feels far less concrete than it might appear to a reader. What might look glamorous and exotic in a perfectly curated blog post is often the result of sweat, meticulous styling in less-than-ideal conditions, and battling the elements (or, as I fondly remember, colorful mosquitos!). The opportunity to launch physical products was a truly surreal “pinch me!” moment, and I am incredibly grateful for the overwhelming support you, our community, showed through your purchases, social media tags, and heartwarming emails filled with photos of your celebrations throughout the year. Your enthusiasm truly fueled that dream.
However, amidst this success, I also found myself grappling with significant fatigue and burnout. For over eight years, our small team of fewer than five individuals has consistently delivered multiple DIY projects, recipes, and visually appealing content each week. While my love for creation and sharing remains unwavering, the relentless pressure to constantly produce new content began to feel suffocating. Jared and I rely solely on the income generated by Sugar & Cloth, making traditional paid maternity or paternity leave an impossibility. Navigating the uncharted waters of new parenthood while simultaneously shouldering the immense responsibility of sustaining our entire livelihood has been a mentally and emotionally exhausting endeavor for me.
The definitive answers to these challenges remain elusive, and I acknowledge that I am very much a work in progress in this area. However, there’s immense relief and strength in simply articulating these truths: I love what I do, but I am currently navigating a period of feeling lost, striving to rediscover my path forward. This journey has highlighted the profound power in embracing honesty, humility, and the simple admission that I don’t possess all the answers or a perfectly laid-out plan at all times. It’s an ongoing evolution, and an essential part of my entrepreneurial and personal growth.
Friendships: The Ebb and Flow of Connection
The realm of friendships proved to be another particularly challenging arena during this transformative year. There is perhaps no quicker way to discern the true depth of your connections than by hitting a significant low point and observing who remains, willing to offer unwavering support even when it’s inconvenient for them. Without delving into overly dramatic declarations, this truth resonated deeply with my experiences. For an adult, forging meaningful friendships is already a complex task. This complexity is amplified exponentially when you’re a new parent or operating within a career, like blogging, that is inherently numbers-driven and often perceived through a lens of metrics.
In the blogging sphere, success is frequently measured by page views, social media follower counts, engagement rates, comments, and likes. This quantitative framework can, unfortunately, lead to superficial assessments, where individuals might quickly decide whether or not a connection with you is “worth their time” based solely on these visible metrics. It’s particularly disheartening when this occurs with individuals you’ve trusted with your deepest aspirations and vulnerabilities, or with whom you’ve shared collaborative plans that ultimately materialized with others. This pattern of professional and personal disillusionment was a significant theme throughout 2018, exacerbated by the inherent emotional and physical shifts that new mothers experience, often leaving them feeling disconnected from their former selves.
Yet, looking at this experience from another vantage point, it also amplified my gratitude for discovering a new community through motherhood. These connections offer a different kind of support, one rooted in shared experiences of parenting, entirely divorced from the relentless pursuit of online metrics. It’s also incredibly comforting and doubly exciting to realize I have at least one steadfast friend who seamlessly bridges both worlds, offering genuine connection both personally and professionally. This year taught me invaluable lessons about the true essence of friendship and the importance of nurturing relationships that transcend superficial indicators of success.
Family: Realigning Priorities and Rediscovering Love
For those who follow my journey on Instagram, you undoubtedly noticed a significant increase in glimpses into my family life throughout 2018 compared to previous years. While various external factors might be speculated, for me, the reason is unequivocally clear: I unearthed a profound new sense of happiness in consciously stepping back from the perpetual demands of work. So much of my self-worth and confidence had become intricately intertwined with an undefined concept of “success” within my career. It wasn’t until I deliberately disengaged from that relentless pursuit that I truly grasped how unfulfilled I had become.
My typical 12-14 hour workdays were gradually supplanted by the immersive haze of newborn life—a period I now recall with a full heart, as if it were just yesterday. As I slowly adapted to the rhythm of caring for an infant, I discovered that the greatest rewards weren’t found in a full inbox of emails, but in the innocent, beaming face of my daughter each morning. It feels almost melancholic to commit that realization to writing, yet it’s an undeniable truth that underscored my evolving priorities. This shift also compelled me to critically examine my marriage, revealing that our bond had almost singularly revolved around our shared professional endeavors, with little else to nourish our connection.
Jared and I have embarked on a challenging, yet ultimately rewarding, journey to rediscover a love that thrives beyond the constant checking off of to-do lists and the endless recapping of our workdays. It has been an undeniably tough process, requiring intentional effort and vulnerability from both of us. Thankfully, we are both unwavering in our commitment to this long-term partnership. However, if anyone in our position claims such a transition is easy, they are undoubtedly misrepresenting the truth. It requires immense patience, understanding, and a willingness to rebuild on new foundations, but it is a journey we are steadfastly committed to navigating together.
Embracing Vulnerability and the Path Ahead
Indeed, 2018 marked a significant period where I lost hold of what I once believed to be my unwavering confidence and certainty. I could apologize if this honest reflection feels somber or less exciting than typical blog content, but in truth, I’m glad that many aspects of my life crumbled in the way they did. What I offer here is a raw, unvarnished truth, and I would rather confront these realities now than look back years from now and wonder why my family isn’t by my side, why true friends aren’t there when life gets difficult, or why my future feels unchangeable and unfulfilling.
Sometimes, the idea of “real” and “refreshing” content is appealing until one confronts the inconvenient truth that reality is rarely perfect, and it certainly hasn’t been for me during this period of intense self-discovery. My deepest hope is that 2019 will be the year I truly find my happy place, or at the very least, discover concrete resolutions to some of these ongoing hurdles. Yet, I would be dishonest if I claimed to possess all the answers right now. This journey of self-admission and vulnerability is still relatively new for me, even in my private thoughts, but I believe that the act of simply being honest about it is a crucial and powerful step forward. Don’t you agree?
So, here’s to letting go of comparisons, to facing challenges with resilience, to trusting our gut instincts, and above all, to prioritizing family first. This is my authentic promise for the path ahead.